Putting defences up

Last year late-September she realized that she likes the guy she allegedly hated. Turns out she never had any kind of negative feelings for him. They were neighbours, so she had the perfect chance to talk to him...actually they never spoke, though they were neighbours for 7-8 years.
Nope she wasn't an introvert, she loved talking to people making new friends, acting crazy and being a drama queen. Yet whenever he was around she became nervous, it felt as if she has run out of breathe and her acts seemed like a cry for help. She was in love with the most amazing boy she has ever met. It took her 3 years to know why she acted like that when he was around. She wanted to speak to him, because she didn't want to waste time like she had done in the past. She laughed and told her best friend, "it's just something that happens to people in love." Her best friend was excited for her, once the best friend knew everything about him, the girl was encouraged to talk to him. She was supposed to start by being friends...
There were certain things that she never saw, and when people told her about it, she denied it. There were numerous times her friends told he was looking at her...maybe he had interest in her too, yet she always said it’s nonsense...no one can possibly love a klutz like her. He wasn't looking at her, he must looking at someone or something else. Was she stupid to think that? It's up to you to decide.
Getting back to the plan, she had said yes but she knew she can't talk to him. She asks others to be brave, when she herself isn't. She sometimes did consciously avoid him, and didn't speak in front of him...that reminds me has he ever heard her voice...? As time came near to day of her finally speaking to him she came up with new excuses, like it was kind of fixed that she will be leaving town or maybe even the country after three years, so she said it’s impossible to be his really close friend then, and being the love interest...it's something they shouldn’t even consider. And he won't follow her to where ever she goes. So no, she should give up her hopeless dream.
It isn't her fault. She has been pulled out of the land of fairy tales too early. She knows he reminds her of the guy she first fell for, and that resemblance makes her push him and her feelings away from her. She is unconsciously believing he might be like the first guy, yet she is trying hard not to believe. All the things that she is doing...all this not letting her heart win, it’s just her defences against love. Her defence system is really strong, and hasn't yet learned the way to bring it down.
In the future we might see her with the guy...or her defence having been able to get rid of the feeling called love...well ti

Putting defences up

Last year late-September she realized that she likes the guy she allegedly hated. Turns out she never had any kind of negative feelings for him. They were neighbours, so she had the perfect chance to talk to him...actually they never spoke, though they were neighbours for 7-8 years.
Nope she wasn't an introvert, she loved talking to people making new friends, acting crazy and being a drama queen. Yet whenever he was around she became nervous, it felt as if she has run out of breathe and her acts seemed like a cry for help. She was in love with the most amazing boy she has ever met. It took her 3 years to know why she acted like that when he was around. She wanted to speak to him, because she didn't want to waste time like she had done in the past. She laughed and told her best friend, "it's just something that happens to people in love." Her best friend was excited for her, once the best friend knew everything about him, the girl was encouraged to talk to him. She was supposed to start by being friends...
There were certain things that she never saw, and when people told her about it, she denied it. There were numerous times her friends told he was looking at her...maybe he had interest in her too, yet she always said it’s nonsense...no one can possibly love a klutz like her. He wasn't looking at her, he must looking at someone or something else. Was she stupid to think that? It's up to you to decide.
Getting back to the plan, she had said yes but she knew she can't talk to him. She asks others to be brave, when she herself isn't. She sometimes did consciously avoid him, and didn't speak in front of him...that reminds me has he ever heard her voice...? As time came near to day of her finally speaking to him she came up with new excuses, like it was kind of fixed that she will be leaving town or maybe even the country after three years, so she said it’s impossible to be his really close friend then, and being the love interest...it's something they shouldn’t even consider. And he won't follow her to where ever she goes. So no, she should give up her hopeless dream.
It isn't her fault. She has been pulled out of the land of fairy tales too early. She knows he reminds her of the guy she first fell for, and that resemblance makes her push him and her feelings away from her. She is unconsciously believing he might be like the first guy, yet she is trying hard not to believe. All the things that she is doing...all this not letting her heart win, it’s just her defences against love. Her defence system is really strong, and hasn't yet learned the way to bring it down.
In the future we might see her with the guy...or her defence having been able to get rid of the feeling called love...well ti

Haircuts

I vividly remember all the times I went for a haircut in the past. Everytime I came out of the salon crying with a candy in one hand and boy cut or mushroom cut hair. Yes for most of my life I've had hair that didn't go past my ears. That made me mourn for my precious hair.
Everytime I went for a haircut my mother told me that the people would just trim my hair and won't make it short. Yet everytime my worst nightmare came true, I looked at the apron and the floor, I could see the remains of my hair. I would always start crying while my hair was getting chopped off, I would cringe as I felt the sharp scissor touch my neck or my ear. I was really afraid of haircuts. I don't remember the number of times I cried and yelled not to cut my hair, as I have always been in love with my hair. Another silly reason was I believed people used to think I'm a boy because I have short hair (to be honest in past it happened numerous times) and this made me angry. As I grew up, it was 9th grade, time for my next haircut. I was strictly against cutting my hair short as the girls in school used to make fun of me because of it. However I ended up getting a mushroom cut and crying like a baby. Next day I did get made fun of, that very day someone told me not to let others come in my way, or let them play with my feelings and everyone has their own style.
For 3 years I didn't let anyone cut my hair, well I did trim of course. Over these years my hair grew real long, picture hair that flows till your hips. I saw how those people who made fun of my haircut wonder how did my hair grew so long and people told me how beautiful my hair was. Well it is something that my family told me the time I cried the most before a haircut, "Now if you keep your hair short, when you grow up you will have long and beautiful hair." They were right, I had hair which boosted me with pride. At the end it's me who is laughing, well but I'm not making fun of anyone. That's the difference between me and them.
10th July 2016, after 4 years I got my haircut and this time I'm happy with it. Yes my hair is a bit short now, but not as much as I used to do...it's till my waist. I'm loving my haircut, which compliments all the qualities of my hair. Today I understand what it's like to have a style of mine.